I'm not going to let the depression win today!

It's been almost a week since I had the big brain storm to start this blog and I haven't followed through...I've been off work all week and have only myself to blame for not sticking to my "big plan" of starting over...sure it's Christmas and "I deserve a break" but if I'm honest with myself (and that's one of my goals)...I just keep putting off what I know I need to do...instead I've sat around the house reading, watching tv or playing games on the computer and EATING....I'm afraid to get on the scale because I KNOW I've gained more weight (but I will tomorrow and come here and record it)...I can tell by looking in the mirror and also how uncomfortable I am in my clothes...I've been hanging around in my old housecoat which I used to wear when I weighed 235 plus....This is NOT good for me mentally or physically...
I need to control my eating and get more serious exercise and to come here and blog...It's that simple so why haven't I? Do I need more Motivation?
Yesterday my son in law came over to do some things for me around the house and this has given me some motivation to get some things done that I've been wanting to get done for awhile but have found excuses not to do them...
I had to pull out a pair of sweats this morning that was way to big for me a year ago...well they are tight on me today (talk about motivation)...lately this would have put me in a depression and I would head for the kitchen to find something to soothe me, grab a book and spend the day reading telling myself that it's no use I'm just meant to be FAT...
Eating:
Today I decided to come here instead after I eating my breakfast of Kashi cereal, a banana and a cup of hot chocolate...this was at 9 am and I will not eat anything else until 1 pm...I can drink all the water I want and I really do need to get back to drinking more water...I'm no where near to drinking a gallon of water a day...I know this will make me feel full and take away some of the cravings I've been having...for lunch I have salad (left over from Christmas Eve) that I need to finish up maybe a cup of lentil soup (it a good day for soup being rainy) then for dinner I have planned my favorite spinach turkey wrap and a jello salad (again left over from Christmas Eve) for something sweet...It's a beginning and I found in the past that if I plan what I eat and stick to it that it's better than spending all that time in front of the refrigerator trying to figure out what I feel like eating and usually settling for something that doesn't satisfy me so I keep eating more to feel that hole in my gut....
Motivation:
I remember how GREAT I felt when I got down to size 10..how I loved to exercise, going to the gym working out or getting out in the fresh air and running at the park (even in the rain and cold)...how great it was to go hiking and be able to keep up with everyone...how food did not rule the day but getting out and having fun did....I remember how easy it was to find something to wear because every thing in my closet fit me and I looked good in them....now I spend so much time in the morning trying on things and settling for the same old big clothes (I refuse to buy new clothes until I lose this weight) I remember the way I loved looking in the mirror and seeing someone who was not only attractive and cared about herself but someone who was Happy...I hardly ever make up my face anymore..All these things should Motivate me but instead Lately I've let them depress me because I've let myself go for so long.....I need to get a plan and stick to it....not just for one day but for the rest of my life..I need to feel that I'm worth all this effort and to know that I'm not meant to be "FAT" but meant to be "Fit". I want to FEEL GOOD about myself again!

Exercising:
I was going to go the park this morning but it's cold and raining....A year ago this won't have stopped me but I just can't make myself do it...so what are my other options....I could go to the gym and work out but my truck is having problems (I think it's the alternator...hopefully I can get my son in law to look at it tomorrow) and I don't have the monies for gas to get there....so what else can I do....hey I remember I have some old tapes of exercise (kickboxing and belly dancing, I think I'll forget the belly dancing altho I definately have the belly for it now...lol) so I will get it out and do them here at home... if not them I'm sure there is some exercise classes on the tv (after all I've got all those channels there must be something there that can help me)
One of the excuses I've used for not pushing myself in exercising is that I don't want to be sore...well nobody wants to have the pain of sore muscles but hey that shows that you are definately doing something and the more you do it the less pain you have to bare..so now is as good as anytime to start... NO MORE EXCUSES

I'll be back tomorrow to let you know how I did today....